People worry that by saying ‘No’, or ‘Wait’ or ‘Slow down’, they might hurt their partner’s feelings or ruin the mood – so instead they let things carry on, as it is easier than speaking up. This is not a good position to be in. If we are close enough to someone to get naked, we should be able to talk openly and honestly about what we want too and know that our partners will respect us and listen to what we want.
To make this work, we need to move sex from something that just happens to something we think about and choose to do. This means we can avoid making assumptions and those misunderstandings that lead to people reading the wrong signals.
Get in the habit of talking to your partner about what they are ready to do – it may feel embarrassing to start off with, but it is less embarrassing than being shot down and far better than getting upset or having regrets because things have moved too quickly.
Plan ahead, and read the signs. Talk about sex in none sexual circumstances, when you are out or won’t have the opportunity to actually get ‘distracted’. Talk via text or email if you are too embarrassed to do it face to face – whatever – but talk – and do it before you get into the situation where you will have to make an on the spot decision.
For example, if you are going to a party later and your partner or the person you are planning on getting intimate with, will be there, txt them. Tell them how much you are looking forward to seeing them and tell them what you want to do with them. Ask them if this is ok… there is nothing sexier than knowing that what you are doing is what your partner wants.
Check out our film on our sister site Urdecision about this very thing…
Don’t fall into the trap that just because their parents are out that this is a signal that sex is on. When you are together, always check, ask ‘is this Ok’, ‘are you sure you want to?’ there is no harm in giving your partner every opportunity to say ‘yes’ or to offer an alternative.
Make sure you understand all about consent….
© Going off the Rails 2014. Adapted from ‘Playing Downstairs’ by Jonny Hunt