Relationships aren’t easy – and no one gets it right first time. It is difficult to cope with all these new emotions and to be frank, it doesn’t get any easier. There are plenty of adults that still can’t get their head around how relationships should work – and then putting it into practice when you do get it is another thing altogether!
It is normal to feel out of control and scared. Trusting someone is a scary thing to do. Getting close to another person and letting them into your secret little world within your head is not easy – they can and will let you down – and you will get hurt.
However, just because you are scared does not give you the right to behave badly.
Quite often as we fight to keep a grip on our own insecurities we turn into bullies.
It is a misconception that bullies are tough and strong. Indeed, it is when you are feeling out of your depth – the easiest thing to do is to make those around you feel small in an attempt to make ourselves feel better and to mask our own insecurities. In an attempt to stop our partners for leaving us we turn them into victims too scared to leave – unfortunately we also push them away from us and make them more likely to hate and fear us. Is it really better to be with someone because they are scared to leave or because they choose to stay because you are you?
No one likes to be controlled, pressured or bullied.
It is difficult as most relationships do not start off as abusive. They move that way as we attempt to deal with our own insecurities and try to cope with feeling hurt.
When we feel small or have been embarrassed or feel a fool it is natural to then become angry – in fact it is impossible to be angry without first being hurt first and by that I mean emotionally hurt. It is only one step on to turn that anger in to aggression or the nasty manipulative behaviour of abuse.
In the end it is up to you not to behave in this way and not to allow yourself to be treated like that. You do not have to stand for it and the sooner you put an end to it the easier it will be.
Do not allow yourself to become a victim. No one likes to be abused but equally no one wants to be a bully.Make it clear that even though they are upset it does not give them the right to behave in such a way.
Walk away, let them calm down before you try to address why they are behaving in such a way.
This is especially important when it comes to sex. When you are in a relationship, there seems to be the expectation that you should be having sex, or trying new things or doing what everyone else is up to. However, if you are not ready you always have the right to say no. Just because you are in a relationship, have been flirting, or you change your mind – does not mean you have to do anything you do not want to do.
However a word to the wise, it is not unusual for people to sometimes get upset or angry when they are told no, so be prepared – read this, it will help. Sometimes people take a no as a personal rejection or that you don’t love them anymore. This is obviously not the case; unfortunately, sex often makes people very insecure – so be aware.
This is not an excuse to give in or let yourself be blackmailed or pushed in to doing anything you are unhappy about.
Equally, if you are the one trying to manipulate your way into getting what you want, it is unlikely to be enjoyable if your partner is only doing it because you are forcing them – is that really how you want sex to be for you both?